crusthatecean | ♋ PCG 8

[Audio Hook]

[This is hardly the only phone call of its type Mayfield will hear today, but when Karkat's voice comes over the phone, he definitely doesn't sound all right. He sounds shaky and terrified, in fact, and his words lack most of the usual angry edge he gives them.]

Oh shit. Okay. Hi.

Whoever explained everything to me when I first got here, well the main person is gone now, but the point is I'm pretty sure all of you failed to mention this one. So can someone please for the love of your human god tell me what Mayfield does to turn a person into a murderous psychopath and how to fix it? And it's not even the friend who usually turns into a murderous psychopath, so this is a really exciting and new situation right now and I'm not sure how to fucking deal with it!

I know you all sound pretty busy with your own problems but it's really important and...oh god, if there's a human doctor anywhere, I need a doctor really badly. Please. Oh man, he's really...just fucking come, okay?

[Action]

[For all interested parties, after the events of this log, Karkat and Gamzee are hiding in an empty house near Benny Road. There's no sound or lights to indicate anyone is home, but there is a noticeable trail of red blood drops leading to the front door.]

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

Death normally fixes it, Mr. Vantas.

And, I'm a doctor.

[A Scratch doctor. But, who cares for specifics really?]

[ Hi Karkat, guess who's on the other end of this phonecall??? ]

I bet I can help. Hehe, just tell me where you went!

[Despite bleeding heavily from three different places on his torso and being quite obviously at least halfway to death, Gamzee looks pretty calm now that the immediate threat's been removed, all things considering. He even manages a weak and shaky smile, tilting his head back to rest against the wall.]

Hahaha, shit...sorry for up and putting you to all this motherfuckin' trouble, best friend....

Fuck you!

I'm not looking for a cryptic piece of shit who regularly places highly in World's Most Self Important But Ultimately Useless Douchebag Competitions and who I wouldn't trust if my fucking life depended on it.

I'm looking for a fucking actual doctor who fucking actually helps people!

What do you even want?

I mean it, I will bite on this one, please tell me what the hell the world's most useless clown asshole possibly did to earn your murderous rage.

Shut the fuck up, I don't want to hear your ridiculous apologies right now.

Just hang on for a little while. You've wasted so many of my hours in this and other universes so you at least owe me that.

He broke the law, and so did you! So once I kill-- oops!! I mean help, once I help you too, I'm going to help everyone else in Mayfield!

What? I'm being very honest about it. Death is the best solution, but if you don't prefer it I'll be glad to suggest something else.

...And for the record, I can be very helpful.

Okay, let's pretend this is happening in a universe where you didn't just do a majestic swan dive off the deep end. What law?

Fine. Be helpful, then.

Pretend I'm not actually considering just letting him die because you think that's somehow a good solution. What's the second best solution we're working with, asshole?

Didn't you see all the signs? It was clear as day, so we really deserve this for ignoring it! Officer Milkman was very nice about it.

[It takes him a second to think of it.]

This is about disgusting bodily fluids lactated for mammal wigglers? Are you fucking kidding me?

Soooorry -- fuck, oops, hahaha...

If that be what you want, then I'll...all up and do my motherfuckin' best to try, bro...

[A deep breath and he winces a little, but that's good, pain is good, pain helps keep him awake, and he wants so badly to sleep right now, it'd be so easy just to close his eyes and slip off into a world with no pain--but Karkat asked him to hang on and so that's what he's going to do.]

You are being very disrespectful right now! So where did you say you were hiding again?

The second best solution is to work around whatever caused the friend to become murderous and psychopathic to begin with. From what you're telling me, I will make an educated guess that the town is causing this. Mayfield normally engages in this sort of silliness, but usually they leave some room to stop it.

Second educated guess - it has something to do with the Milkman becoming the new Police Chief of Mayfield. Given that the Mayor's announcement was followed up by this, it only makes sense. There were also signs around town, saying how "drinking milk is the law" despite the classic "don't drink the milk" being a sort of slogan for this town. Earth laws are different than what you are accustomed to, but when laws are broken there are normally consequences to them. You follow my cues, right?

...Of course, these are all just educated guesses and deductions. Whatever is causing your 'friend' to become murderous, it has something to do with the Milkman. [He can't know much for sure without his omniscience at work, but making logical deductions isn't out of reach.]

Okay, look, I find the concept of drinking anything that came out of hoofbeast tits to be extremely suspect, but if it means that much to you, I'll have a glass.

Are you sure you don't want to just tell me where you are instead?

Okay. Good.

[Karkat's busy with the phone, anyway, but it doesn't seem like he's getting anywhere useful and he's starting to realize he might not find anyone who can help them.]

Not that much longer. We'll get you fixed right up, and then we'll figure out this mess with Jade.

You're saying this is all because we didn't drink any of that awful stuff. That sounds completely whirling off the edge shithive, but I'll believe it.

But even if that might be the key to helping someone else, and believe me, I'll get around to it, that's not going to solve my current problem which requires some emergency medical aid and not a bunch of stupid conjecture.

No.

But I told you I'd be back later.

I could help you with that too to some varying degree, but that would require me to know the address of your human home.

[Are you gonna give him it, Karkat?

Wanna trust your buddy Scratch????]

I want you to come back now.

Yeah...I really done fucked that shit up there, so--

[He breaks into hacking cough, choking up more blood. Right, he isn't supposed to apologize anymore.]

Shoulda motherfuckin' noticed...she was fronting all that nasty rage at me...woulda tried to make it all on up to her earlier...gotten all my motherfuckin' penance on and shit...

I'm not there right now, asshole. There's a shithive broad rolling people over with garden shears there, I think I'll stay away for a while.

Do you want where I am now?

Too bad.

He's going to die anyway, so it's not like you're missing out on anything.

[hanging up.]

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♋ PCG 8

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