♋ PCG 21; backdated to December 25

[crusthatecean]

[Phone; Action for 842 Hastings]

[Karkat has been staying at Sollux's ever since Gamzee lost his shit midway through the Christmas stuff. He's been keeping a low profile and avoiding everyone except Sollux. He's still sore and impacted by his injuries, which have been stitched and bandaged up but still have left him bruised and hurting. It's less the injuries than his mental state which has led him to keep to himself. But once he notices, the morning of the 25th, that things seem to have gone back to normal, he starts to feel a little better. It takes him until afternoon to make up his mind to make a phone call, but he eventually does.

He still doesn't feel great, but he at least sounds like himself over the phone, if slightly subdued and hesitant.]

So none of us were fakes all along. Imagine that. Imagine, Mayfield, playing games with your pans. There was no way to guess.

...No, sorry, okay, I did not actually make this transmission to give you attitude. Sorry.

I should probably filter this shit, but I have no idea who to filter it to, so if you didn't care about me disappearing, do me a favor and shut the fuck up. Or hassle me, I probably deserve it.

Anyway. I'm sorry.

You won't hear that from me often, so enjoy that, I guess. And now I have shit to deal with, so let's get the hassling over with, much like removing a bandage or taking a nail and driving it efficiently into my ocular globe.

[Filtered to Terezi]

I hope I won't be executed for the crime of calling.

...Okay, that was meant to be a joke, but it was stupid. Can we just pretend I didn't say that?

[Filtered to Gamzee]

I'm coming back to the hive. We really fucking need to talk, so I need you to stay lucid to the extent you can do that before you...before there are problems. How are you right now?

Comments

[crusthatecean.livejournal.com]

But could you.

I just...he obviously needs someone. I don't know who it should be right now.

[chastesaw]

Is there a reason it shouldn't be you?

[crusthatecean.livejournal.com]

Because I'm an asshole and I keep fucking up and I'm not any good at this and you are?

That and also that it's not like I can decide for him who he's going to be pale for. I mean, you two seemed like it was working well. If that's what he wants, I just wanted to know if it's an option.

[chastesaw]

If he decides he'd rather be pale for me then no, I shan't turn him down.

But the Gamzee I was moirails with was an altogether different Gamzee - and for that matter, I was a different Kanaya.

[crusthatecean.livejournal.com]

I guess that's true. But it still worked out well.

[chastesaw]

Do you have any reason to believe it wouldn't work as well with you in my stead?

[crusthatecean.livejournal.com]

For one thing, I decided to disappear rather than grow a bulge and deal with him, and just let him go crazy.

[chastesaw]

That's unreasonable of you to say. You had no way of knowing what the town would do to the rest of us.

[crusthatecean.livejournal.com]

I chose to disappear so I never would have existed, I could have guessed what would happen to him if that happened. He didn't really have any other fucking friends before we met! But I didn't even think about that. Maybe he would want a moirail who actually thinks about him instead of making selfish joint jerk decisions.

[chastesaw]

Karkat, can you kindly explain for me how making the decision to erase yourself from existence that all of your friends and comrades might have a better life is in any way, shape or form selfish?

[crusthatecean.livejournal.com]

I don't want to talk about this.

[chastesaw]

Earlier in this conversation I believe I stated that there would come a time when I would no longer accept your attempts at avoiding difficult conversations.

And would you imagine that? The time has arrived.

[crusthatecean.livejournal.com]

You can't actually make me talk to you. Imagine that.

[chastesaw]

No, but I can refuse to let the matter drop until your only recourse is to either talk about it or cease conversation with me entirely.

You cannot refuse to discuss your problems forever, Karkat.

[crusthatecean.livejournal.com]

I can if you don't blackmail me with the prospect of endless nagging.

[chastesaw]

It is not nagging, and I am not blackmailing you. It is a persistent encouragement to allow me to help you and that is all.

[crusthatecean.livejournal.com]

I don't need anyone's help.

Look, I just meant it was selfish because it was easy. Like here, here's the exact thing you have to do to fix everything instead of actually having to try and sort through this waist deep shithole. I should have known it couldn't be that easy, that it would be good enough to just let someone hand me on a silver platter a way to fix our messed up situation.

[chastesaw]

...all right, I'll accept that perhaps you possessed some selfish reasons but the act itself was inherently as unselfish as one could possibly be.

And if you will forgive my saying so, but I disagree with your initial statement.

[crusthatecean.livejournal.com]

Whatever you say.

[chastesaw]

Karkat, we all need help at times. Rejecting that does no one any good. Least of all yourself.

[crusthatecean.livejournal.com]

What do you expect me to even do?

[chastesaw]

I'm not sure.

But it's rare for you to actually discuss your feelings. Not the what, mind you, but the why.

That can't possibly be healthy.

[crusthatecean.livejournal.com]

Discussing my feelings doesn't actually make me feel better. It just reminds me of how much I hate about my life.