crusthatecean | ♋ PCG 21; backdated to December 25

♋ PCG 21; backdated to December 25

[Phone; Action for 842 Hastings]

[Karkat has been staying at Sollux's ever since Gamzee lost his shit midway through the Christmas stuff. He's been keeping a low profile and avoiding everyone except Sollux. He's still sore and impacted by his injuries, which have been stitched and bandaged up but still have left him bruised and hurting. It's less the injuries than his mental state which has led him to keep to himself. But once he notices, the morning of the 25th, that things seem to have gone back to normal, he starts to feel a little better. It takes him until afternoon to make up his mind to make a phone call, but he eventually does.

He still doesn't feel great, but he at least sounds like himself over the phone, if slightly subdued and hesitant.]

So none of us were fakes all along. Imagine that. Imagine, Mayfield, playing games with your pans. There was no way to guess.

...No, sorry, okay, I did not actually make this transmission to give you attitude. Sorry.

I should probably filter this shit, but I have no idea who to filter it to, so if you didn't care about me disappearing, do me a favor and shut the fuck up. Or hassle me, I probably deserve it.

Anyway. I'm sorry.

You won't hear that from me often, so enjoy that, I guess. And now I have shit to deal with, so let's get the hassling over with, much like removing a bandage or taking a nail and driving it efficiently into my ocular globe.

[Filtered to Terezi]

I hope I won't be executed for the crime of calling.

...Okay, that was meant to be a joke, but it was stupid. Can we just pretend I didn't say that?

[Filtered to Gamzee]

I'm coming back to the hive. We really fucking need to talk, so I need you to stay lucid to the extent you can do that before you...before there are problems. How are you right now?

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God. Your idiocy must grow exponentially, it's the only way you could shock me with it so consistently.

I asked Kanaya and she said she's not but she could be, so it's not such a crazy idea. And as for me, I was offering, and I obviously wouldn't be if I wasn't okay with that, unless you think I'm that fucking magnanimous, which I am not.

[Yeah, Gamzee sort of missed the 'I would do it' part in there, so this takes a few seconds to sink in.]

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh....

...wait, what?

What about that is hard to understand?

...all of it? [this is a very confusing conversation okay, he is not even used to the idea that he needs a moirail yet]

[He'll pull his arm away and use it to rub at his face, frustrated. It's not easy for him to come out and say how he feels, so he was hoping Gamzee might make it easier for him by picking up on the hint. Clearly that isn't going to happen. He'll speak slowly, in a tense tone implying he's exasperated, but a little nervous, too.]

I can't see how you don't understand what I'm saying, but I'll explain slowly so maybe even you will get it. Since every other fucking person seems to understand, including you during all of that awful bullshit last week.

It isn't just Mayfield making these things happen. I don't want to get into this exactly, and it sounds like you don't, either. There is someone awful who did something terrible to us. All of us. To hurt us, to serve his own purposes. And the long and short of it is I have not been asking you to eat your shitty pies because they don't disgust me but because you need to eat them, because of this awful person who can make you act like you were acting last week. That doesn't make sense because it's only a half explanation, but I need you to accept it because it's the best I can do.

I don't really think shit that fucks your pan and can disappear whenever Mayfield wants it to is necessarily a good and lasting solution to our problem. What you need is someone to keep an eye on you and make sure you're all right and not let fucking awful things like last week happen. That's what I've tried to do, but frankly I'm not very good at it as it turns out.

What I'm saying to you is that what I think we are doesn't have to be what you think we are, and it needs to be what you think we are and what you think you want and need, but what I think we are is a pale thing, and that is the point I am trying to make.

[It takes him a few moments to process everything Karkat's saying. The bit about someone out there manipulating all of them is kind of weird and he wonders briefly who it is before deciding that he can worry about it later if he needs to. And he doesn't get what his pies really have to do with anything, but hey, if Karkat wants him to eat them, he's certainly not going to say no.

Them being a pale thing, though...that makes his breath stutter for a second. And Gamzee's never been much of a romantic, as much as he supports love in all quadrants; he doesn't spend time fantasizing about finding the perfect partner or wondering who his soulmates will be or imagining blissful futures with whoever he fills his quadrants with. Quadrants are confusing and no one's ever really explained them to him - well, other than Karkat on one of his many romantic advice rants that Gamzee tends to tune out - but he's always figured that the messiahs would lead him to who he needed to be with and he'd somehow just know once that happened, and until then he wasn't going to bother stressing out about it.

Except when he thinks about it, really thinks about it (as hard as that is for him), they've been on this path for long enough that even he's starting to feel like a bit of an idiot for having somehow missed all the signs. Every time Mayfield pulls something horrible on them, every time someone's been injured or killed or worse, Karkat has always been there for him whenever things just got too much and even the sopor didn't help. And he'd just assumed it was just because Karkat was the greatest best friend to ever exist...but friendship wasn't quite the right word, was it? Hasn't been for a while, not when what he feels around Karkat is so different from what he feels around his other friends, that level of warmth and calm and trust. He's never really thought of the two of them as moirails before, but the word tugs at something in his chest and it almost hurts how widely he's smiling right now.]

Shit, that would just be motherfuckin' bitchtits. [It's a bit stale compared to everything he's feeling right now, but he's never been exactly great with words outside of awful rhymes.]

Did you even think about it? This is a serious decision, you know.

[He doesn't mean it, not really. He'd come into this afraid Gamzee would make a frivolous decision, just wanting to please him or go along with whatever he wanted for whatever nebulous reasons he always wanted to go along with what Karkat wanted. But those reasons could just be as simple as moirallegience, couldn't they? Although he said he felt it was a pale thing, and although he knew it would be in the future, he hadn't been sure, not really, that this wasn't some one-sided or at least lopsided arrangement borne of guilt.

But he can tell that Gamzee really does consider it, and he can tell as soon as Gamzee understands what he's asking, and even if his words aren't saying much, he can tell from everything else that Gamzee does feel the same way he does. This doesn't come close to solving their problems but it's such a relief, such a warm and overwhelming feeling to finally be certain that this is really real. He smiles in return; it's a much smaller smile, but it's also a genuinely happy and very open expression compared to the way he normally looks that the distinction is pretty stark.]

Whatever, I guess we can say that's settled, then.

Ain't gotta think when it comes to these motherfuckin' miracles from the heart, you just gotta go with it.

[He beams harder when he sees Karkat smile, and it's a little funny and a lot miraculous how easily he's adjusting to this shift - although maybe it's not that surprising after all when all they're really doing is giving a name to a relationship they already had. As for things he should be worrying about, like whether he can actually give Karkat what he needs or the fact that he himself needs a moirail to pacify him (something he still really can't wrap his mind around) - well, he's not going to bother wasting energy on shit that might or might not happen in the future when the fact of the matter here and now is that he just put that expression on Karkat's face, and there's nothing in all the universes that could feel more right than that.

tl;dr it's suffocated by lanky clown cuddle time again Karkat and there's nothing you can do about it]

Haha, guess so.

[He almost warns him to be careful; his ribs, as badly bruised as they are, mean being draped on like this is painful. But he doesn't want to do anything to jeopardize this moment. He puts his arms around Gamzee to the extent he's able to shift into that position.]

All right, all right. How are you doing?

[He gives Karkat a fairly confused look.]

Think that's a question I should all be asking you, bro. [That said, while he still remembers that Karkat's injured, he's not making the connection between that and the downsides of cuddling....]

I'm fine.

[He says it automatically, but he feels a little guilty as soon as he does. If Gamzee is going to be his moirail, he needs to tell him the truth, and the truth is very far from fine.]

I mean, I didn't exactly enjoy any of that, but I doubt you did either. I don't think we need to compete for who didn't have it worse.

...yeah, I think you done motherfuckin' won that competition there. [His forehead wrinkles as he tries to figure out the double negative there.] Or uh...didn't win...but I fucked up pretty bad, I dunno why I went all shithive maggots on you.

[There are a lot of answers to that, ranging from the over-revealing (hey, Gamzee, you always kill trolls when you're sober) to the over-sentimental (because I didn't exist, because that's serendipity for you), to the self-pitying (because that's what I deserve) but none of them that he's willing to share.]

Well, so did Terezi. Kanaya wasn't much better, for that matter.

Do you understand that my blood isn't normal? Is that something you're even aware of?

Uhhhh...no? Sooooorry, I ain't real good with keeping track of hemospectrum shit.

Fucking moron.

[Sighs at him, but it's more fond than he means it to be. Even if Gamzee is stupid, this is a particular stupidity he's never minded at all.]

It is. There are very few trolls who wouldn't react like you two did to it. Probably none. It's different because all of you know me, but you didn't. You both acted just the way I would expect two highbloods to act.

[sudden enlightenment dawns]

Ohhhhh, is that what Equius's always harshing on about when he's telling a brother to clean his act up? I guess I just ain't ever really got what hemo color's gotta do with a motherfucker being all what better or worse than another motherfucker. [shrugs] Plus I don't think I really wanna be a highblood if that's all how one's supposed to motherfuckin' act.

It's not something you have a choice about. You'll just have to keep on being the worst at being a highblood and giving Equius an aneurysm daily with how completely you fail at subjugating the lower classes.

But for what it's worth, I'm glad you're such a fucking disgrace. I'm glad you don't understand or care about this shit. It may not seem very important to you, but it's important to almost everyone else even if they don't admit it, and you're such a fucking moron that you've actually managed to fail to notice what blood means. I like that about you.

And that's really all I need to say about that. My blood is not a subject for discussion with anyone, do you understand?

[o-oh did Karkat just say he liked him...yeah, okay, this is sort of obvious with them being moirails now, but Gamzee will look ridiculously happy anyway]

Haha, then chilling in the sea of ignorance is definitely a motherfuckin' thing I can all be keeping on doing.

Got it, best friend. I ain't gonna bring it up with nobody, don't worry. [because he will forget....]

Don't look so thrilled, it makes me feel like an asshole.

[Paps his cheek a little guiltily, he's the worst friend ever.]

I don't know if I can promise anything, I always seem to fuck up. But I want to say that things will be different from now on.

Sooooooorry. [attempts to look a little less thrilled

does not succeed, especially once the papping starts]

Yeah? I don't think you've ever fucked up nothing before.

That's generous and unobservant of you.

What I'm trying to say is it was stupid and selfish of me to disappear like that, okay?

[wow, this is probably the first time anyone's ever apologized to Gamzee for leaving, he looks pretty surprised here! what do you mean this is something someone should feel bad for]

Uhh...if you say so? You gotta do what your heart all up and tells you to, I don't think you did anything wrong.

I already knew apologizing to you was like apologizing to a brick wall.

I feel like I'm constantly drowning in an endless fucking abyss of all the regrets that no one recognizes or accepts. Like, I don't know what universe everyone else is seeing, but it's not the same one I've been living in, because everyone is always saying that. You didn't do anything wrong, it's fine, Karkat, it's fucking fine, it's no big deal, it's not your fault.

I am sorry for so many things you don't think I did wrong. Maybe someday you will realize that, but it doesn't matter to me if you think so or you don't. I am sorry, so please just fucking accept that because I can't live with being the only one who sees any of this.

[O-oh Karkat...Gamzee still doesn't really understand what he's saying, but he can tell it's serious so now it's his turn for a cheek-papping.]

You can be sorry if you wanna. [God knows Gamzee's still feeling pretty bad about the whole 'tried to cull his best friend' thing....] I'm just telling you straight up that it ain't mattering none what kind of shit you fuck up, I'll always forgive you.

[Having his cheek papped sort of makes him feel embarrassed and uncomfortable, but it's not necessarily a bad feeling.]

I know that.

This is going to sound fucked up but sometimes I think I'd feel better if everyone hated me. But I don't really want that, either. I don't know.

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♋ PCG 21; backdated to December 25

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