crusthatecean | ♋ PCG 14

[Action; 1668 Benny Road]

[So, for the past few days, Karkat has been feeling vaguely off; just occasionally sneezing or rubbing his eyes. His troll self doesn't have allergies, so he doesn't really know what's going on, but as a human, he's definitely feeling it.

Finally, he wakes up one morning feeling sick enough that the female human drone doesn't drag him out of bed in the morning but instead calls school forces him to stay in bed. Anyone in the house can probably hear him swearing at her and occasionally trying to escape in the morning before he ultimately just gives up.]

[Phone; Later]

[Spending an entire day sitting around feeling miserable is really frustrating to him. So instead of being sick like a normal person, he spends the entire day drawing up a ridiculously complicated plan, and now he's calling about it. You can definitely hear from his voice that he's under the weather, though.]

Hey. So, considering the high frequency of situations involving dangerous undead hordes, inducements to kill each other, or just general examples of everything not bothering to stop for breaks on the road to catastrophe at all times, it's kind of surprising in a witness the clearest example of the failings of the human race sort of way that there isn't any system in place for what we're supposed to do. We have brand new clueless assholes showing up at least once a month and if they happen to get stuck in the wrong hive and don't know anyone who'll hold their hand through everything, we're saying they're shit out of luck. Oh, yeah, please call in and ask why I use hive instead of house and wonder if I'm a bee, that will be so helpful.

I don't particularly care about anyone clueless and new, but the odds are some of you do, right? And if not, just think that you might get panscrubbed (okay, droned, is that clear enough for you) and then you'll be the asshole with no idea what's going on.

Anyway, what I want is to hear from someone in every house in Mayfield. Let me know who in your sickening fake family unit can actually fight, who is a fucking psychopath we need to avoid at all costs, and whether or not you're willing to take in anyone extra next time everything goes to hell. I'll get the information out there when I have it so maybe it will be useful to someone unlike everything else anyone does around here.

If you call in with attempts to rile me up, observations that my alien culture isn't exactly the same as your own and that is somehow humorous, or anything that isn't on topic, I'm hanging up, so just answer the question.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I ate the human female's disgusting soup, and I certainly feel nauseous, but it's been going on for a few days now.

[a few days ago...what happened a few days ago...what might he have introduced into the hive that would cause this....

yeah, Gamzee's not making the connection] Whooooa, that ain't sounding good. Is it getting worse?

A little.

[He grabs another tissue, looking annoyed to have to admit to that.]

It's not a big deal, though.

Sounds like a big motherfuckin' deal to me if you ain't getting better. Anything I can be doing to help?

Probably not. I'm sure it'll wear off.

Haha, I'll shoot a pester to the messiahs just in case. [brightens up] Hey, I bet I know what'll all motherfuckin' cheer you up real fast!

I'm sure you're wrong.

Fine, what?

Hang on a sec, I'll go get her.

[disappears for a few minutes!

comes back holding a ridiculously fluffy and tiny puppy (http://wingmutt.com/images/site/cute-puppy.jpg). it is even wearing a little polka-dotted bib that looks suspiciously like it was cut out of one of Gamzee's pants.]

Look at what I all found! Isn't she the fuckin' cutest piece of shit you ever done saw?

What.

[Eyeing the little puppy with disgust and suspicion]

Gamzee, did I say you could bring fur beasts into this hive? I don't have any recollection of saying that's acceptable.

Uhhh...I don't think you ever said we couldn't, neither. 'Sides, I couldn't be leaving her out there on her own self, what if something real bad all happened to her?

[clutches the puppy close as they both look at him with identical wounded expressions on their faces]

If I didn't say you could invite strange humans or animals in here, assume you can't.

How are you going to care for an immature woof beast when you can't even take care of yourself?

Whoops, I think I already might have broke that rule a couple of times, soooorry. [just going to elect not to tell Karkat about Pinkie Pie here....]

Shit, I didn't think of that. [beat, and then he shrugs] Oh well, I'm sure we can be working something out. Can't be that hard taking care of her.

What you mean by that is that I'm going to wind up having to do all the work, and that's exactly why I'm not going to allow this. I don't even like woofbeasts.

[And he pauses to sneeze just a little.]

How long has she been here?

[conveniently, the puppy just happens to wriggle out of Gamzee's arms at this moment and trot up to Karkat, sniffing him curiously before licking his hand and wagging her tail]

Awww, but I think she all what likes you a whole motherfuckin' lot already. And bro, you just tell me what I gotta do to be looking after my fine woofbro here and I'll do it!

[pause as Gamzee stares at the ceiling and counts on his fingers] Uhhh...I can't really remember. Few days, I think?

[Sneezing hard when the puppy comes near him.]

Fuck. This is what I'm having a reaction to, asshole. I'm fucking allergic to your dumbass dog.

Awwwawugh, really? You've never been allergic to woofbeasts before though, I don't think. Shit, I must have done forgotten, sooooorry.

No, I've never had allergies. But as a human, I do. Fuck.

[Sneezing again]

Could you get her off me?

[picks up the puppy again, who whimpers sadly as she is dragged away from Karkat]

...guess I gotta be all finding her a different hive, then.

[SAD PUPPY EYES X2 COMBO]

Yeah, I guess so.

[It's not very effective...or is it?]

...The allergy thing isn't a fucking problem. Jade gave me some medicine for it earlier, I guess I need another dose.

[Sneezing]

But I don't want to have to fucking feed it and stop it from chewing up our shit and clean up after it, and even if you say you'll do that, you're going to forget. So the answer is no.

[droops...]

She wouldn't do that, she ain't chewed any of my shit yet. [or if she has, he hasn't noticed...] And I bet hivesis would be all willing to pitch in a claw. But you're right, it ain't fair to be asking you to put up with her and go through all that motherfuckin' trouble if you don't wanna. I'll go see if Tavbro or any of our other friends wants to be taking her in, then.

[nuzzles the puppy, who paws at him playfully] Bye, lil guy. I'm gonna miss you.

Ugh.

Jade's lusus is a woofbeast, she probably does know how to deal with them. I guess if she's okay with it and you two manage to keep it from making a mess or getting in my way or being something I ever have to deal with, then I don't care if you keep her.

But the second she's causing problems, she's fucking out of here.

[ohhhh Gamzee just beams and hugs Karkat hard, the puppy squirming between them and also trying to lick Karkat's face

they should name her Terezi]

Really? Thanks, best friend! You won't be regretting it, I promise. Woofbro's gonna be the most well-behaved motherfucker you ever done saw, you ain't even gonna know she's here.

You still have to ask Jade. It's only okay if she's fine helping you take care of it.

[Glaring at the puppy Gamzee have the sense to move it before it licks him this is your first test as a pet owner]

♋ PCG 14

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