crusthatecean | ♋ PCG 14

[Action; 1668 Benny Road]

[So, for the past few days, Karkat has been feeling vaguely off; just occasionally sneezing or rubbing his eyes. His troll self doesn't have allergies, so he doesn't really know what's going on, but as a human, he's definitely feeling it.

Finally, he wakes up one morning feeling sick enough that the female human drone doesn't drag him out of bed in the morning but instead calls school forces him to stay in bed. Anyone in the house can probably hear him swearing at her and occasionally trying to escape in the morning before he ultimately just gives up.]

[Phone; Later]

[Spending an entire day sitting around feeling miserable is really frustrating to him. So instead of being sick like a normal person, he spends the entire day drawing up a ridiculously complicated plan, and now he's calling about it. You can definitely hear from his voice that he's under the weather, though.]

Hey. So, considering the high frequency of situations involving dangerous undead hordes, inducements to kill each other, or just general examples of everything not bothering to stop for breaks on the road to catastrophe at all times, it's kind of surprising in a witness the clearest example of the failings of the human race sort of way that there isn't any system in place for what we're supposed to do. We have brand new clueless assholes showing up at least once a month and if they happen to get stuck in the wrong hive and don't know anyone who'll hold their hand through everything, we're saying they're shit out of luck. Oh, yeah, please call in and ask why I use hive instead of house and wonder if I'm a bee, that will be so helpful.

I don't particularly care about anyone clueless and new, but the odds are some of you do, right? And if not, just think that you might get panscrubbed (okay, droned, is that clear enough for you) and then you'll be the asshole with no idea what's going on.

Anyway, what I want is to hear from someone in every house in Mayfield. Let me know who in your sickening fake family unit can actually fight, who is a fucking psychopath we need to avoid at all costs, and whether or not you're willing to take in anyone extra next time everything goes to hell. I'll get the information out there when I have it so maybe it will be useful to someone unlike everything else anyone does around here.

If you call in with attempts to rile me up, observations that my alien culture isn't exactly the same as your own and that is somehow humorous, or anything that isn't on topic, I'm hanging up, so just answer the question.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Oh.

[Well, he's a little speechless at that.]

Well, okay, then. Yeah. We should go together.

...

Good!

[SATISFIED.

for now.]

Good.

I guess it won't be completely stupid.

It sounds a little bit fun... in a dumb way.

Yeah, exactly. At least now drones will stop asking me to go with them.

...

What?

[(unsure)]

It's not funny! The female drones do, I mean. I keep telling them to fuck off in the most creative and disgusting ways I'm capable of imagining, and they just say "You're so funny, Karkat!"

It's awful.

[wow, she... she is kind of mad about this! wh...what is this feeling?]

But that's my line when you tell me to fuck off!

Right, but you mean it in a belittling way, implying my rage is an endless source of condescending amusement for you. They just don't seem to hear what I say at all, which is really annoying.

Yeah, of course! But- [ifhgdfhg this is making her feel... not so good. WHY] Why didn't you tell me these human girls were... Ugh!

[is this...

is it...

OH NO

IT CAN'T BE

JEALOUSY???]

What?

I didn't tell you because who cares. They're drones. They are town constructs programmed to arbitrarily react to us. For some reason, which I expect is a joke at my expense, the teenage drones have been programmed to be obsessed with me and they've been programmed to shove Sollux into lockers and I would honestly prefer to switch places.

It's still... [...] Bluh! Never mind.

Do you actually care?

...No! [huff]

Good, because it's stupid.

[resolves FOR COMPLETELY UNRELATED REASONS to find out their names]

Anyway! It's going to be great.

...I'm glad you're looking forward to it. I wasn't sure it was your kind of thing.

How can it not be my thing! My thing is making sure I keep tabs on everyone else pulling stupid stunts.

I don't know.

Well, I was planning to ask you. With humans, the man usually asks, you know.

But I don't mind. All the gender based specificity seems pretty pointless.