crusthatecean | ♋ PCG 19

[Phone]

[Karkat is calling! He sounds a little shaky this time, and he speaks quickly, dropping the normal amount of too-long-didn't-listen ranting.]

Okay, idiots, it's that fucking time again. My safe housing list for December is in the communication receptacle outside 1338 Benny Road, so come get an updated copy, or your first copy if you're new. I feel like by this point this is pretty self explanatory. If you have any information to correct or you want to add your house as a safe one, just call me.

[As he says, the list will be available in his mailbox. If you have any changes, please comment to that post!]

[Filtered to Beta Session Trolls; Hackable to 1338 Benny]

Okay, so some things. First of all, Equius and Nepeta are droned. It's fine, a lot of us have been droned and we've always come back. Anyway, they're probably just back in our session being sickening in piles of shit and not having anything awful happen to them in any way, so there's always that.

...Moving on. As I'm sure some of you have noticed, there are some trolls other than us showing up here. Adults. Some of you morons have been probably been stupid enough to talk to them.

I've been checking them out and I've come to the conclusion that we can't trust them. No matter how they seem, we just don't know enough about them, and frankly a lot about their existence is fucking suspicious.

So new rule, so ordered by your leader. No one is to talk to or otherwise communicate with any of the adult trolls. End of discussion.

Aradia, Feferi, Eridan, I need to talk to you privately.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I don't dislike her or distrust her or anything. But whenever I do talk to her I just fuck up, so it's pointless.

I'm sick of this.

Firstly, I'm certain that you aren't, in your own words, fucking up nearly as often or severely as you believe yourself to be. Secondly, even if you were, the solution therein wouldn't involve isolating her from the remainder of her kind.

Sick of what?

Kanaya...

I've lived my whole life with these assholes hanging over my head. But I never thought anyone would ever have to know about it. That just makes it so much worse, I can't...I just can't fucking do this.

I... *She trails off, and her voice is very quiet and soft-toned when next she speaks.* I want to say that I understand, Karkat, but I'm entirely aware that it would be a falsehood. I couldn't ever truly comprehend what you've been through in your life, so I won't pretend that I do.

But I want to help you. And ignoring the problem won't do that, for any of us. At best, it delays the others asking difficult questions.

I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you that it would be easy, or simplistic, or that you wouldn't ever have to face them. But I respect you too much to coat lies in honeyed words like that.

Why?

Why can't everyone just fucking do this one thing for me? Of course it's stupid and irrational but do I ask all of you to do shit for me often? I keep being told I'm a selfish asshole, well fuck, I know that.

Since I was hatched I've always been expected to just be more than I'm capable of and I'm so tired of it. What the fuck is it about me that if I'm selfish it's the worst thing in the world?

Do you really think it's about selfishness, Karkat? Were your selfishness the only question causing me pause I wouldn't hesitate - or not much, anyway.

This has nothing to do with you being selfish and everything to do with a choice that I can't help but think will ultimately hurt you.

Of course it will ultimately 'hurt me.' But whatever I do isn't going to change how fucked this all is.

No, it won't. And ordering all of us to cease contact with the elder trolls won't change anything, either. ...all we can truly change is how we ourselves feel about a matter. Which seems intimidating at the best of times, but not insurmountable.

Are you worried we'll compare you to him?

I...

Something like that.

Do you compare me to her?

It's not the same thing.

Besides, you've never done anything worth looking down on.

How is it not the same thing?

...I gave Eridan his magic wand, and I fed on Terezi when I awoke as a rainbow drinker. I rather look down upon those.

There's more to it.

Maybe Jade's right, maybe I should just explain. But I don't want that.

I know you don't; you've made that very clear.

Unfortunately, I don't think I disagree with her. Don't you think it would be better to hear the tale from someone we trust rather than a stranger?

No.

God, it's not even about how you'll react. I'm sure no one will care half as much as I do. It's actually sort of fucking funny, it will just be another example of the endless hilarity my leadership has afforded. Sort of like Gamzee being Bard of Rage before we found out that was terrifyingly appropriate. But I can't even talk about this without wanting to vomit out all of my internal organs and stomp them into a fine paste.

If you don't think we'll care as much as you do, then why...?

I'm trying to help, but I don't think I understand. I apologize for that.

I hate talking about this. I hate thinking about this. I hate the fucking idea of knowing anyone knows about this.

...I'm sorry, Karkat. Were it within my power to rewrite the immutable fabric of reality and time, I would, and I assure you that is not hyperbole.

You aren't him, and I would never wish you to be. You are Karkat Vantas, my dear friend, and you are incomparable.

I wish I could help beyond that.

[Oh, he needed someone to say that more than he realized; he's tearing up at that.]

You're fine. There's nothing to help, but you're fine.

It's difficult to explain, but it feels like... I should be doing more than I am.

You shouldn't.

The last thing I want is to be someone's responsibility. Let me be a fucking mess in peace without feeling guilty about it.

Are we considering friendship a responsibility now?

But no, it isn't that. ...I think it's that I can't help but feel that were I her, she would know what to do.

She doesn't. I'm not like him at all, and she's yet to figure that one out. Like I said, every time we talk I just upset her.

I don't want you to feel like you have to fix me because that makes me feel like I'm letting you down. I know that's stupid and fucked up but what isn't?

I know. She just seems... infinitely wiser than I, and I suppose I'm envious of that.

You don't let me down, Karkat, and you never have. *Her voice becomes slightly dryer - certainly still empathetic, but with a tone of self-deprecation.* I feel obligated to remind you that I attempted to fix Vriska.

Thanks, I'd rather not be in the same category of fucked as she is. At least I know what's wrong with me.

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