crusthatecean | ♋ PCG 19

♋ PCG 19

[Phone]

[Karkat is calling! He sounds a little shaky this time, and he speaks quickly, dropping the normal amount of too-long-didn't-listen ranting.]

Okay, idiots, it's that fucking time again. My safe housing list for December is in the communication receptacle outside 1338 Benny Road, so come get an updated copy, or your first copy if you're new. I feel like by this point this is pretty self explanatory. If you have any information to correct or you want to add your house as a safe one, just call me.

[As he says, the list will be available in his mailbox. If you have any changes, please comment to that post!]

[Filtered to Beta Session Trolls; Hackable to 1338 Benny]

Okay, so some things. First of all, Equius and Nepeta are droned. It's fine, a lot of us have been droned and we've always come back. Anyway, they're probably just back in our session being sickening in piles of shit and not having anything awful happen to them in any way, so there's always that.

...Moving on. As I'm sure some of you have noticed, there are some trolls other than us showing up here. Adults. Some of you morons have been probably been stupid enough to talk to them.

I've been checking them out and I've come to the conclusion that we can't trust them. No matter how they seem, we just don't know enough about them, and frankly a lot about their existence is fucking suspicious.

So new rule, so ordered by your leader. No one is to talk to or otherwise communicate with any of the adult trolls. End of discussion.

Aradia, Feferi, Eridan, I need to talk to you privately.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Of course I don't. But if talking to some complete strangers matters to you so much that you don't care how I feel about it, then maybe it should be.

When have I ever given the impression that I don't care about your opinions and beliefs? I may disagree with your conclusion but that certainly doesn't mean I disrespect the reasons that led you down that path.

If I didn't care how you felt I would not advising you against a course of action that I feel will only worsen the matter in the long run.

I understand why you feel like this, because she already told me, Karkat. About the grub she raised.

What did she tell you?

She... seemed very pleased to learn that her new human form - and indeed, their entire race - possessed bright red blood. She told me how, while serving in her duties to tend to the mother grub, she had found a newly hatched wiggler of that precise hue, a grub with no lusus and no sign to speak of. She told me that she abandoned her duty to raise the grub herself, and how he believed in the equality of all trollkind.

Beyond that, I did not inquire. To hear that kind of story from somebody else rather than you felt very much like intruding, and not in the helpful way I usually mean.

You prefer to conceal your blood, Karkat, and nobody could ever fault you for that. But I think that story is the reason you don't want us to speak with them, rather than a sense of danger. Am I wrong?

[There's a long silence, long enough that no one would blame Kanaya for thinking he'd hung up.

But Karkat just sighs.]

There might not be immediate danger, but things will be complicated.

*She has a bit more faith in him than that, and she's happy that it pays off.* I'm certain they will, yes, for many reasons. Not least of which is that I've found learning of one's ancestry to be slightly overwhelming.

But rejecting contact with them will only stave off complications at best while reducing our ability to deal with them. What will you do if Dolorosa's child arrives here in Mayfield to regain his troll body? Ignoring the problem won't make it go away.

He is here.

*Sudden understanding! You can hear the lightbulb go on over her head.* Oh.

Hence the abrupt implementation of this new rule, then.

I meant to make it a while ago. I was just busy.

And this provided as good an impetus as any.

Karkat... what are you frightened of? If these trolls truly are our ancestors, shouldn't we trust them? It's more than a little intimidating to be faced with her legacy, yes, but I would hope that you could trust her like you would me.

It's nothing like that.

I don't want to talk about it.

Is ignoring the problem really better?

You may not want to talk about it, but I can't help but think that it might be for the best if you did.

Yes.

I don't know what else to do.

Well, the discussion of potential solutions to problems is generally one reason why people converse with one another, isn't it?

*She keeps her tone as gentle as possible.* Karkat, the matter won't go away if you ignore it. Dolorosa won't go away, nor will her child or any of the others from their generation. I'm sorry to tell you this but I'm certain you know that it's true.

I promise I won't breathe a word to another, nor will I pass a thought of judgment, if you're willing to talk.

I'm not.

There are things I just don't want anyone to know. Maybe you'll all find out anyway, but it won't do any good if I explain myself, so I'm not.

Very well, if you're certain I won't force you. If you ever change your mind the offer will still stand.

I never used to put much weight in the concept of ancestry, you know, until I met her. ...it's a bit humbling, to be honest, even if it does explain some things about myself.

I don't dislike her or distrust her or anything. But whenever I do talk to her I just fuck up, so it's pointless.

I'm sick of this.

Firstly, I'm certain that you aren't, in your own words, fucking up nearly as often or severely as you believe yourself to be. Secondly, even if you were, the solution therein wouldn't involve isolating her from the remainder of her kind.

Sick of what?

Kanaya...

I've lived my whole life with these assholes hanging over my head. But I never thought anyone would ever have to know about it. That just makes it so much worse, I can't...I just can't fucking do this.

I... *She trails off, and her voice is very quiet and soft-toned when next she speaks.* I want to say that I understand, Karkat, but I'm entirely aware that it would be a falsehood. I couldn't ever truly comprehend what you've been through in your life, so I won't pretend that I do.

But I want to help you. And ignoring the problem won't do that, for any of us. At best, it delays the others asking difficult questions.

I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you that it would be easy, or simplistic, or that you wouldn't ever have to face them. But I respect you too much to coat lies in honeyed words like that.

Why?

Why can't everyone just fucking do this one thing for me? Of course it's stupid and irrational but do I ask all of you to do shit for me often? I keep being told I'm a selfish asshole, well fuck, I know that.

Since I was hatched I've always been expected to just be more than I'm capable of and I'm so tired of it. What the fuck is it about me that if I'm selfish it's the worst thing in the world?

Do you really think it's about selfishness, Karkat? Were your selfishness the only question causing me pause I wouldn't hesitate - or not much, anyway.

This has nothing to do with you being selfish and everything to do with a choice that I can't help but think will ultimately hurt you.

Of course it will ultimately 'hurt me.' But whatever I do isn't going to change how fucked this all is.

No, it won't. And ordering all of us to cease contact with the elder trolls won't change anything, either. ...all we can truly change is how we ourselves feel about a matter. Which seems intimidating at the best of times, but not insurmountable.

Are you worried we'll compare you to him?

I...

Something like that.

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